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Friends and subscribers,
For months I’ve been grappling with whether I should I send this newsletter.
I’m sending it now because so many of you have repeatedly reached out to me concerned for my mental health and safety.
So I’m writing to let you know I’m ok…just ok, not great, not good, but ok. I’m still struggling but not as much I have been in the past year.
I’m very sorry I haven’t responded to some of you, it certainly isn’t personal. Some days the idea of responding to folks feels impossible. Those who got a response from me just happened to catch me on a slightly better day or hour.
Even though I had a hard time responding, it matters that you reached out and I’m so grateful for all the messages.
One of the big reasons I’ve grappled with sending this newsletter is I don’t want to bring people down with my depression…I don’t want people to feel sorry for me. I don’t want people to feel I’m pathetic, because I’m not.
But I also know that I feel better when I share my struggles. So here I am.
The truth is I have been extraordinarily depressed for nine months (probably longer but I didn’t recognize it until talking to my therapist) and few days have gone by since May 2021 where I haven’t had thoughts of suicide in one form or another.
Like many people I never planned for depression to shut my life down in so many ways. Unless you’ve been struggling like this for most of your life, it always comes as a shock how debilitating depression can be. It has certainly come as a shock to me, some days I feel like I have no control over the most basic elements of my life.
I’m also writing to you because I am emotionally exhausted with myself and by sending this newsletter I can talk about other things going forward. I am desperate for some sort of normalcy….whatever that means these days.
I should note…I don’t care if people think I’m oversharing. For most of my life I have been extraordinarily private and kept my struggles to myself. It has, at times, ravaged me.
I’m not interested in living that way anymore.
More to come…
With Love and Gratitude,