On Tuesday night, when I went to bed, I was hoping I wouldn't wake up in the morning. I hadn't done anything to take my own life, I just hoped that something would happen and I wouldn't wake up. Last night when I went to bed, I had the same feeling.
Thank you for sharing this. I have had similar feelings on countless occasions, and I feel heartened today after reading your words.
To quote the mantra of the late activist and philanthropist Mary Semans, with whom I was fortunate to spend just a bit of time during college, we are all really just here for each other.
Depression can be viewed as this mild sadness or this extreme condition, when I've found the roller coaster stays more in middle ground. It can be either relentless emotional exhaustion/numbness or the anxiety that the next period of emotional emptiness will hit before you're ready for it. Sometimes I feel my depression shrinks down into a hard lump deep at my center, but I know it's only a matter of time before it expands again. Being a caretaker of others means you have to hold other people at the same time you're fighting so intensely to hold yourself together. Few things are more brutal than being in that position. And, yes, every time I would very hesitantly voice my struggles to others, they would often say I needed to stop carrying other people's burdens. But that responsibility/love/loyalty/moral obligation/whatever part of me that compels me to do so....I can't switch that part off. And even if I could those actions aren't what generates my depression in the first place. They weaken my ability to cope with depression in healthy ways, but that caretaker side of me is never going away. Being able to talk about my depression without hearing "you need to stop doing this or that" or that talk being mistaken for whining has been so liberating. I'm glad you are able to share how depression impacts you, because I know that sharing is key to continuing on. There have been nights I have wept at the idea of having to get up the next day and do life again, but sometimes those nights are followed by days that are genuinely wonderful experiences. And sometimes they're not. But the next plucky scrap of hope is never too far away <3
Never forget Yashar jon that you are loved by ALL your family and friends. You mean so much to us. You have and will have my support always and for ever❤💕💕💕💕
I don't know if you saw my DM on instagram last night, so this may be redundant. Even so, I can't see how it could possibly be a bad thing. I am simply sending you love. And thank you for everything you do!
I’m grateful for many reasons that you chose to share this, not only does is help you I suspect, but it helps to ‘normalize’ these feelings that so many have had. Healing wishes you way. 🤗
"But people so often have a hard time with a caretaker who needs to be taken care of."
I could totally relate to your entire post. I get the greatest joy helping people in whatever capacity I am able - and to have that taken away harms more than helps.
My heart goes out to you my dear. I too suffer from the same kind of depression. My late husband was chronically depressed - a whole other level of depression. And I was his caretaker until he passed, then I was my mother's caretaker (dementia) until she passed. I'm still being a caretake of sorts to my grown son who battles PTSD & ADHD, my brother who has ADD/ADHD, and his teenage son who has Aspergers. There are times when my only thoughts are "Who is going to take care of me?" And I work a fulltime job on top of all of that, with a very needy boss. I'm exhausted all the time it seems. And I should probably seek professional help. I just don't know where I would fit that in to my already exploding schedule. Oh and I'm also disabled on top of it. But I wake every day, thank goodness I'm still breathing, & get dressed to face another day. All the while that little voice in the back of my head keeps saying "when will it be my turn to be cared for?" So hang in there, there are a lot of us out here who got your back.
Are you an empath? Empaths can easily get overwhelmed. People often think the strong ones don’t need support too. Thank you for sharing such a personal struggle and reminding us to offer help and support to those who may not seem like they need it. Take care.
So important that you share this. We have been conditioned in this culture to think talking about how our brains/body feel is selfish-- when in fact you are helping break trauma cycles and change norms by sharing. Also... while speaking up on other things in the news was the "right thing to do" you shouldn't deny that that has an impact on you, along with the pandemics of the world, and all the other daily living moments that make life hard and make life life. Thank you!
I am literally shaking reading this as I have been experiencing so much of what you just shared. Thank you for articulating what I have been unable to do.
I can relate to this in so many ways. Thank you for sharing. It’s always helpful when people share their experiences with depression. It helps take away others fears about sharing. Their is still so much stigma attached to mental illness. I’m hoping you are doing well and we will see you back in twitter soon. You have been missed. Take care.
I share the same issues. I see you. You've probably helped many people by putting this out there.
Thank you for sharing ❤️
You make all my days a little better Yashar ❤️
Thank you for sharing this. I have had similar feelings on countless occasions, and I feel heartened today after reading your words.
To quote the mantra of the late activist and philanthropist Mary Semans, with whom I was fortunate to spend just a bit of time during college, we are all really just here for each other.
Depression can be viewed as this mild sadness or this extreme condition, when I've found the roller coaster stays more in middle ground. It can be either relentless emotional exhaustion/numbness or the anxiety that the next period of emotional emptiness will hit before you're ready for it. Sometimes I feel my depression shrinks down into a hard lump deep at my center, but I know it's only a matter of time before it expands again. Being a caretaker of others means you have to hold other people at the same time you're fighting so intensely to hold yourself together. Few things are more brutal than being in that position. And, yes, every time I would very hesitantly voice my struggles to others, they would often say I needed to stop carrying other people's burdens. But that responsibility/love/loyalty/moral obligation/whatever part of me that compels me to do so....I can't switch that part off. And even if I could those actions aren't what generates my depression in the first place. They weaken my ability to cope with depression in healthy ways, but that caretaker side of me is never going away. Being able to talk about my depression without hearing "you need to stop doing this or that" or that talk being mistaken for whining has been so liberating. I'm glad you are able to share how depression impacts you, because I know that sharing is key to continuing on. There have been nights I have wept at the idea of having to get up the next day and do life again, but sometimes those nights are followed by days that are genuinely wonderful experiences. And sometimes they're not. But the next plucky scrap of hope is never too far away <3
I was stunned to find that I had written a post that so eloquently described my feelings, then I saw that you had written it.
Never forget Yashar jon that you are loved by ALL your family and friends. You mean so much to us. You have and will have my support always and for ever❤💕💕💕💕
I don't know if you saw my DM on instagram last night, so this may be redundant. Even so, I can't see how it could possibly be a bad thing. I am simply sending you love. And thank you for everything you do!
I’m grateful for many reasons that you chose to share this, not only does is help you I suspect, but it helps to ‘normalize’ these feelings that so many have had. Healing wishes you way. 🤗
"But people so often have a hard time with a caretaker who needs to be taken care of."
I could totally relate to your entire post. I get the greatest joy helping people in whatever capacity I am able - and to have that taken away harms more than helps.
Thank you so much for sharing.
My heart goes out to you my dear. I too suffer from the same kind of depression. My late husband was chronically depressed - a whole other level of depression. And I was his caretaker until he passed, then I was my mother's caretaker (dementia) until she passed. I'm still being a caretake of sorts to my grown son who battles PTSD & ADHD, my brother who has ADD/ADHD, and his teenage son who has Aspergers. There are times when my only thoughts are "Who is going to take care of me?" And I work a fulltime job on top of all of that, with a very needy boss. I'm exhausted all the time it seems. And I should probably seek professional help. I just don't know where I would fit that in to my already exploding schedule. Oh and I'm also disabled on top of it. But I wake every day, thank goodness I'm still breathing, & get dressed to face another day. All the while that little voice in the back of my head keeps saying "when will it be my turn to be cared for?" So hang in there, there are a lot of us out here who got your back.
I love you Yashar, thank you for sharing 💙
Are you an empath? Empaths can easily get overwhelmed. People often think the strong ones don’t need support too. Thank you for sharing such a personal struggle and reminding us to offer help and support to those who may not seem like they need it. Take care.
So important that you share this. We have been conditioned in this culture to think talking about how our brains/body feel is selfish-- when in fact you are helping break trauma cycles and change norms by sharing. Also... while speaking up on other things in the news was the "right thing to do" you shouldn't deny that that has an impact on you, along with the pandemics of the world, and all the other daily living moments that make life hard and make life life. Thank you!
I am literally shaking reading this as I have been experiencing so much of what you just shared. Thank you for articulating what I have been unable to do.
I can relate to this in so many ways. Thank you for sharing. It’s always helpful when people share their experiences with depression. It helps take away others fears about sharing. Their is still so much stigma attached to mental illness. I’m hoping you are doing well and we will see you back in twitter soon. You have been missed. Take care.